Seven Lessons Before I was Able to Become Love. Lesson #1: Forgiveness
About the new blog series: “Seven Lessons Before I was able to Become Love” is a collection of eight short articles where I share eight values I consider the origin of the person I am today. After the eight articles are all published on my blog, I will be offering a free mini e-book with these as chapters that will easily connect and complete the sequence in one little self-help book that you will be able to download at no cost as my way of saying thank you for letting me be a part of your world and making it possible to HealThruWords®
I was one of those people on Earth who chose to begin the twenty-first century with a brand new life. Literally! I had gotten my divorce two weeks before 1999 ended – intentionally on the same day of my wedding anniversary. So there I was, not knowing how or where to begin my new path, after twelve years of being married to a very sad life.
I have to admit it. I was totally blind at first and even though I felt the decision of asking for a divorce had been the best thing that had ever happened to me in my whole life, I was a very insecure and fearful woman who didn’t even believed that self-worth and self-love were acceptable feelings for one to cherish and make them grow.
I simply didn’t know myself at all. Worse, I didn’t even understand at that moment in time that I needed to know myself before any positive change could occur. So, as I still didn’t recognize that within myself lied the solutions to all my dilemmas, I continued to do what so many others keep doing in this world: I kept looking out there in my external reality for those I could blame for everything that had gone wrong in my life so far.
Trying to go back to that person I used to be, I probably was a very boring type of human being. My conversations with friends and family revolved around all the events that have happened to me and still kept happening as a result of what others had done to me. I was the best victim of all, so convincing that I even convinced myself of it all. If you’d asked me, my ex-husband had been responsible for our divorce, and previous to him, at a deeper level my mother had been responsible too as she had been the one that had induced me to marry him. If I remember well, my victim mentality accompanied me for at least another six years after my divorce. I had so much pain and sorrow inside of me that it was very difficult to consider the possibility that these family members were only acting a specific role in my reality until I would be ready to understand that on a subconscious level, I had been the one that had created these dysfunctional relations as a means of growing and awakening to my real self.
Six long years had to pass to finally start letting go of that victim role I was playing so well for myself. As I had been married to a very wealthy man, I felt lucky to have been able to keep and sell a few properties I acquired as the result of our legal settlement. Believe me when I say my savings from those sales were tiny crumbs in comparison with the assets that my ex-husband kept, but my self-esteem was so low and I was such a naïve and financially ignorant woman at that time that with the little I recovered by law, I felt richer than the richest of all Arab queens.
I was blessed because thanks to those savings, my daughters and I were able to live comfortably during the first years after my divorce, and I was able to create my first two real-estate companies and study until graduating from my two master’s degrees. Not bad at all for an ex-housewife who hadn’t had the chance to manage a bigger budget than that of a household where groceries and utility bills were pretty much all the monthly dues. Little did I know life had given me that “financial aid” because the first stage on my new path was only preparing me for what would come later on, once I would be ready for more thorough lessons. You see, I still believed that the sources of all that I saw in my reality came from others, not from me, included good and bad altogether. So the savings life offered me lasted until I was ready to learn how to produce a life on my own.
I had divorced and I was apparently doing great but I really wasn’t creating the propitious situations for me to go within and search for the causes of all that I still kept reproducing as my life experience, that is, the life experience that I had bought from others. I was afraid of discovering something I would not like: my own self. Actually, I was so afraid that life knew I wouldn’t be able to do the job on my own. Tired of waiting for me, it took charge when least expected and took away everything that was meaningful to me. In a blink of an eye, I had lost my two daughters, all my savings, and all the things that were blocking my way to forgiveness.
Don’t ask me why my lesson had to be so hard and dramatic, I don’t know. What I do know now is that it was the biggest blessing even when it was disguised as the worst hardship. When the only thing I had left in my life was my own self, was when I started exploring the meaning of true forgiveness for the first time. I had been left with nothing to lose so starting to forgive everyone in my life didn’t sound such a bad idea, it was for free and all I needed was my willingness. A very hard thing to do initially, my pride was so inflated I just couldn’t see the benefit of asking someone for forgiveness, especially when I didn’t see them as victims! (You read right, my homework was asking for forgiveness no matter who was to blame and even if the other person never asked for mine in return.) After a while it became a regular practice and I started feeling the effects within myself. It felt lighter, as if tons of waste had begun to be removed from a place inside I didn’t see but I had certainly started to acknowledge.
I forgave everyone, even those that hadn’t done anything wrong or those who up to this date have not been able to forgive me as part of their own lessons of growth. With all that forgiveness I had been able to share, I started to understand the difference between my heart and my mind for the first time. Yes, my mind had been tricking me and making me believe it had been my heart all along, until I was able to sense my real heart through forgiveness. This was the key that opened the first door to the infinite possibilities that I started visualizing vaguely at the end of the rainbow. It was only the beginning but something had changed deep inside. I was now certain that it was possible to create that new life I was dreaming of and that my heart could take me there if I decided to continue following it.
Stay tuned for the next post of “Seven Lessons Before I was able to Become Love” with Lesson #2: Trust. Coming out next May 20th!
Until next time and don’t forget to be love!