Seven Lessons Before I was Able to Become Love. Lesson #2: Trust
About the new blog series: “Seven Lessons Before I was able to Become Love” is a collection of eight short articles where I share eight values I consider the origin of the person I am today. After the eight articles are all published on my blog, I will be offering a free mini e-book with these as chapters that will easily connect and complete the sequence in one little self-help book that you will be able to download at no cost as my way of saying thank you for letting me be a part of your world and making it possible to HealThruWords®
It was the year of 2006. At that time I had moved from Washington DC to Miami, after I finished my second master’s degree and even though my rational mind still ruled my world, I had already started to awaken the spiritual energy that had been waiting for me since childhood buried deep within my heart underneath layers and layers of oblivion.
After I had been able to forgive my ex-husband for all the things I had blamed him for throughout twelve years of marriage and three years of previous courtship, I was alone but lonely. I was this polished and skillful woman with an appropriate professional and educational background who had lost everything I had built as my former life including everyone who had been a part of it. It was difficult for me to understand how I kept forgiving this man who now felt as the winner of a post-divorce battle which he had created and I had followed in the most innocent way. By this time, my two daughters had decided they didn’t want to live with me anymore and I had transferred eighty percent of my savings (the same money that came from our divorce settlement) to my ex who argued I should continue to pay for my daughters expenses while living in his home. In order for you to get the picture right, I must highlight that this wasn’t part of the arrangement that by law we had agreed upon and that my ex-husband was becoming richer and richer through new businesses he now had. There was no need for me to pay for my daughters’ living expenses, or perhaps only his need for revenge. The guilt I felt as a mother for not being able to be with my children, and the fear I still had for that man who had been once the love of my life, kept me paralyzed behind my mental bars. Several times I thought of hiring a lawyer and even though my ego tried to fight back and try at least to get my daughters back, my heart kept whispering otherwise.
When I tried to analyze the situation I was in, I saw that by using my mind I had not accomplished much since I had divorced back in 1999. I had now achieved my fancy graduate degrees, had more work and life experience, and felt like a woman who seemed to have it all even though I was in the middle of an infernal war between my mind who kept suggesting to go back to the old ways, and my heart who insisted on pushing me towards the unknown path where I could learn about trust, my next lesson after I continued to practice forgiveness.
In 2007, at the beginning of one of the worst real estate crisis that hit Florida and the United States in general, I sold the house I had after I previously sold my car and some jewelry that helped to pay off its mortgage and avoid bankruptcy. With the house, I lost the savings that were left and so with a few dollar bills in my pocket I decided it was time to follow my heart and start learning to trust that inner voice that was now louder than ever.
I needed to disconnect from the material world for a while. I had already started learning about spirituality, quantum physics, mind power and many philosophies and traditions that were helping me to discover that elusive self of mine I still hadn’t seen or felt.
Trying to control my mind which didn’t like any of my decisions and the fact that my heart was starting to speak so clearly was a nightmare. The lesson of trust began as soon as I decided to move from Miami to Sedona, Arizona. I didn’t know anyone there, much less what I would do once I would arrive there! All I knew is that I wanted to start a healthier and more natural lifestyle and spend my days exploring all those ancient desert red rocks that somehow would teach me to live in trust.
I lived in Sedona for eleven months and even though I didn’t have a job or a steady income, there wasn’t one single day when the universe didn’t provide me with all I needed to continue learning all the teachings that nature was offering me at that time. It wasn’t easy because I didn’t understand how this was all working for me. The word magic was still hard to swallow! To my family and friends, I had become unstable, too new agy, and even a lost case. I had lost all that past life of mine but what those people still said about me mattered much and made me feel ashamed and unworthy. Often times, I wondered if my heart was a fake and if I should go back to my old mind ways, but this transformation I was living was so intense not even my doubts could make me change its course. My heart had showed me the way no matter what others would think or not. I couldn’t explain it but I started going somewhere for the first time in my life.
I knew I had learned to trust when I was able to look back and confirm I had been abundant in health, food, shelter, transportation, water, electricity, travel and yes, money, just to mention some of my needs, and that all of it had come while I had been hiking mountains and getting no salary for it! Out of thin air!
It is so easy to take things for granted… only because I trusted, life offered me all these things so I could continue to learn my lessons. How was it possible? I decided to believe the path would be made for me as long as I would keep walking it. You see, we usually want to see the complete path before we start walking. We humans love certainty and safety! But what I learned from nature during that period in Sedona was to accept uncertainty and surprises. After all, the trees that had been my teachers didn’t know how many storms or droughts would still be on their future. All they cared about was nourishing those tiny and tender green leaves that had just been born from their trunks. I followed their example, I learned to focus on my present moment and I stopped worrying about the future storms that could or could not come. I learned to focus on what I had in the now and the now became the source of my certainty and my incipient happiness.
Stay tuned for the next blog of “Seven Lessons Before I was able to Become Love” with Lesson #3: Patience. Coming out next June 6th!
Until next time and don’t forget to be love!