“I felt utterly exhausted that night, so worn out I didn’t want to live anymore. I showered thousands of kisses on my daughters. I told them how much I loved them and waited until they fell asleep. I was so proud of them; they were the only thing that made me feel that my life had been worth living. My husband’s words during his last visit quickly left their effect on my sick mind and it wasn’t long before I convinced myself that, if I was that old and useless, there was nothing left to live for. Their grandmothers and my sister Betrys would take care of them once I was gone. Moreover, although Sebastián was a poor husband, he was a good father and they would be in good hands. It was already late that night when I locked myself in the bathroom, with a small, sharp knife I took from the kitchen. I spent several hours, seated on the cold marble floor, crying as quietly as I could, and playing around with my veins without finding the nerve to sink the knife in. I only managed to make a superficial cut in the skin of my left wrist, which bled a little. The thought of my daughters acted as a lifesaver. They were the angels who protected me in those moments of profound darkness. Their smiling little faces, their kisses, and the way they said, “I love you, Mommy” passed before me, ever more vividly. I couldn’t let my demons win this battle. Where was the girl whose desperate wish to live had beaten death some few times in her childhood? Where was my self-respect? I had to find it, to make the effort. The time to return to the other side had not yet come.” “While I Was Learning To Become God.” Amazon Bestseller and Award Winner Book

It seems almost impossible for me to consider I was the woman that lived this dark and tragic moment years ago. At the age of 32, my lack of self-love led me to believe there was nothing else for me here on Earth. My negative mental chatter had completely annulled the voice of my heart, the voice that had been trying to save me for so along.

The world can seem so unfair and pointless for so many of us. The recent death of Robin Williams, who was one of my favorite Hollywood actors, makes me realize how fortunate I am to be able to write about my experiences, after rising above my depression and suicidal thoughts on that night back in 1998, when I tried cutting my wrists.

Roxana Jones, Spiritual Healer

It’s hard to describe in one article all I’d like to say about this topic. But I’ll share some important facts I’ve learned along the way, which have helped me to achieve a fulfilled life and never go back:

1. Discovering our true life purpose. We tend to identify with the roles we play in our lives. The majority of us are moms, dads, employees, business owners, professionals, friends, lovers, etc. That’s all good, but none of those roles are the true reason why we’re here on Earth, they’re only a small part. We must go beyond all the roles we have – being more specific, we must go deep inside – to discover our true life purpose. Why? Because we’ll always feel as if something is missing if we don’t; and also because once we find it, we won’t depend on any “role” to be happy and fulfilled. In other words, if tomorrow we lose the love of our lives, or our dream job, or anything that means the world to us, we’ll still be content and imperturbable as long as we know and understand our true life purpose.

2. Understanding the difference between a habit/addiction and a choice. A habit or an addiction, are those behaviors that we’re constantly repeating, without even knowing we’re doing them. One of the tools that helped me to understand my addictions was to see that in my life I was addicted to so many things, some harmful and other harmless, but all habits and addictions nonetheless. Now here’s the stepping stone: once we identify or become conscious of a habit or addiction; in other words, once we KNOW of our habit or addiction, it becomes our CHOICE to continue repeating it as part of our daily lives. This is pivotal, because once we understand our habit or addiction as a choice we’re making, we immediately have to accept that we’re the only ones in control, and that we CAN change our choice.

3. Differentiating between our ego and our true Self. The negative voice, – which in many of us is so much stronger than the positive one – always gives the type of advice that keeps us in our comfort zone, procrastinating, stagnant, not achieving any type of improvement, and reproducing more of the old habits and addictions that make us feel so unhappy and hopeless. The positive voice however, is the one that sporadically finds a way to get to us amidst all the negativity that easily flows through our collective unconscious. With one whisper, that voice can make us feel so loved and at peace; listening to it simply feels so RIGHT. The negative voice always comes from what I call our ego (devil, demon, darkness, evil, etc.) And the positive voice always comes from our true Self (God, Spirit, Divine Self, Higher Self etc.) The way we learn to see the difference between both is through discernment.

4. Acknowledging the work is done individually, and feeling ready for it. There are many wonderful treatments, therapies, techniques, and so many qualified people that can help us while we’re in the process of healing and improving our lives. But the how and who is not what matters the most when it comes to wanting to conquer depression and suicidal thoughts as we are the ones who must be ready to saying YES to the life that has been offered to us as a GIFT, and NO to anything or anyone wanting to stand in the way of our precious gift.

My suicidal attempt made me realize I had hit rock bottom. The following morning, I heard my true Self whispering to me in a loving way: “you won’t have another chance, but I AM here to help, just ask.”

And so I asked for spiritual help, and help came almost immediately.

The little humility I had at that time saved me. That same week I decided to become one of the best students of life and to be honest, I’ve never stopped since 1998. I started looking for my true life purpose. I searched, I made mistakes many times, but I tried again and again until I found it. Gradually, I also accepted my habits and addictions were “a choice I didn’t want to keep choosing.” And last but not least, feeling ready and knowing I was the only one who could do my job, I decided to surrender to my true Self who continued whispering from within my heart, until my ego became an unobtrusive murmur in the background. At last, I felt free for the first time.

Until next time and don’t forget to be love,

 

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Roxana Jones

As award-winning, best-selling author and energy healer since 2011, Roxana Jones has helped thousands of people to open their minds and hearts to a more empowered version of themselves.

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